How do you explain progress where there is none? Or when the progress is invisible to anyone else? The reality of the matter is that my PhD has been paused for several months. There are a few people I haven’t talked to about this in my own life. I’ve kept this to myself mostly because of the reason I’ve needed to take a break. It’s predictable and disappointing – my health. I wonder if I will always care about how weary my poor health makes others when I speak about it. I also wonder what I could do with that energy if I stopped caring altogether.

At the beginning of this academic year (September 2024), my health declined and changed. I found myself unable to hold a pen and experiencing muscle spasms and spasticity so severe that to do anything else during these moments of intensity was impossible. Over the last few months, I have dropped countless plates and cups and lost my balance at absurd times. At first, I did what I always have done – I ignored the problem in so far as it effected my professional life. After work or after long days in the library, I would address these new, debilitating symptoms and acknowledge them with the profound sadness I had not been allowing myself to experience throughout the day. Eventually, however, the sheer volume of tests and appointments made it difficult to maintain my full-time job, let alone do anything else. I also felt angry because I could no longer engage fully in my degree programme as my attention became foggy and my fatigue increased.

The decision to take a break was easy in that it was made for me. I lied to myself and said that by the time I returned in September 2025, I would have answers and a solution. Now, I’ve been playing this medical came of mysterious chronic illness on and off for over ten years, so I knew that wouldn’t happen. Even though I am fortunate enough to have excellent health insurance, appointments still take a long time to come around. So, it is now April 2025, and I am no closer to answers, though I do have access to new medications that are making my daily existence easier to tolerate.

I’ve decided that regardless of where my health is in September, I will return to my studies, and I think I will do this with a newfound passion. Time away from my PhD has given me space to consider new avenues to my research and to speak to more individuals. For example, prior to my break, my research was largely focused on autistic women. Now, I am veering my research interest towards those who are autistic and have ADHD (AuDHD). I’ve been fortunate that I’ve been able to meet with my supervisors throughout my time off to keep them up to date on the various research rabbit holes I’ve both lost and found myself in.

I would be lying if I said that I didn’t feel a phenomenal sense of internal conflict about even acknowledging this break – as if needing it, as if struggling with my health, is a moral failing that I could have controlled if I just tried harder. I guess my way of breaking out of that thought process, is by posting this hear. By being up front and honest and hoping that my logical brain is right when it says that no one truly cares and those that do, they understand.

Right now, I am preparing a scholarship application and it’s been tough, but rewarding. With any luck, I’ll be back soon.

Jen x