I Was Not Made to Relax - AuDHD Living

I do not think that I was made to relax. Maybe that’s just another way of saying that I do not believe that I was made to enjoy things. I sit next to my best friend on the tram. The boy opposite us smells of watermelon vape and is biting his nails until they turn red and angry. Outside, it has already started to get dark. I watch the drizzle fall gently against the windows and wonder if I will ever experience happiness in the same way that others seem to. Today was a day I was looking forward to. Today more than lived up to my expectations. Tonight, I will most certainly journal about this beautiful, fun day in my gratitude journal. If future generations find my journal and can decipher my looping handwriting, they’ll think I really lived each day with intention. They won’t know that I only keep this journal because seeing my grandmother have a very slow form of dementia from a young age has frozen me with the fear of one day forgetting the very makeup of my days. They will read about this day, about our time together, and they will not see the relief I feel now that it is over – now that I can be alone once more. No, I do not think I was made to relax. I was made to look forward to something, always, and to then be relieved that the same experience I hankered after was over.

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